Revised Essay--Please Review

[jrp5055]

"I can't!"—One of the most common phrases heard in physical therapy, and my hemiparetic stroke patient was once again convincing herself the statement was true. I, however, was determined to see her through the tears and panic and get her back down the stairs that had just been her biggest obstacle since experiencing the stroke. "I wouldn't have brought you up here if I didn't know you could do it." It's a simple phrase but, when your patient knows you mean it, you become their lifeline and in turn you have to be prepared to take on that responsibility. 

Growing up in rural Pennsylvania doesn't guarantee a lot of prospective career opportunities, but instills a drive to work hard. After receiving my undergraduate bachelor’s degree in Liberal arts as well as my Associates degree in Physical Therapist Assistant (PTA), I dutifully continued my studies in physical therapy (PT). I gained immeasurable knowledge working full time in an outpatient PT facility while cross-referencing my PT school prerequisite coursework. My exposure to new cases my led me to re-consider my future as I became interested in a broader field of practice. While working in close proximity with physician assistants (PAs), I was consistently impressed with their knowledge and ability to work both autonomously and in close collaboration with the physicians. They had earned their patient’s respect as well as mine.  As honorable and worthy as the PT field is, I know my skills will be better applied when I can be an integral part of the diagnosis as well as the treatment of my patients.

 Since shifting my focus to PA, I have used this time to improve my transcript by completing the prerequisite courses that my Bachelor’s degree did not require. The journey to get to this point in the application process has been trying; I have picked up a second job on weekends to pay for the perquisite classes, GREs and application fees and sacrificed my free time to take evening classes.

My rural Pennsylvania roots have taught me hard work, perseverance and how to make someone feel at home. Without these traits, I would not have been able to help my stroke patient. Time after time this patient tried to refuse physical therapy. One day while persuading her to participate I noticed she was trying to get her hair out of her eyes and saw my chance to make her feel more at home. I offered to help her with her hair and she hesitantly agreed. In order to keep her hair out of her face, I put it in an unfashionable high ponytail. She laughed after at my feeble attempt, which was a tremendous improvement from her previously depressed state. After that day, she no longer refused physical therapy and began to make steady progress.

“You’re right, I can do this. Tell me how.” We conquered those stairs one at a time. This once bedridden woman sat in her wheelchair and gazed up in awe at what she had just accomplished. This feat had brought tears of joy to her eyes. Helping patients in these situations has been an incredible and rewarding experience. Throughout my career as a PTA I have felt the limitations of my practice. I cannot help but to think of how much more my skills could benefit patients as a PA.  I want to be able to examine  patients, prescribe medications and order specialized testing as necessary,  just to name a few of the possibilities.  While conquering the stairs for the first time is a significant achievement, I know there is more that I am capable of to help patients.

[Topsy]

"I can't!"—One of the most common phrases heard in physical therapy, and my hemiparetic stroke patient was once again convincing herself once again that the statement was true. I, however, was determined, however, to see her through the tears and panic and get her back down the stairs that had just been her biggest obstacle since experiencing the stroke (this sentence is crazy long and reads awkwardly. Maybe try: I was determine, however, to see her though the tears and a panic and get her past her biggest obstacle since experiencing the stroke - descending a flight of stairs). "I wouldn't have brought you up here if I didn't know you could do it." It's a simple phrase but, when your patient knows you mean it, you become their (you go from singular to plural; watch out for that) lifeline and in turn you have to be prepared to take on that responsibility. 
 

Growing up in rural Pennsylvania doesn't guarantee a lot of prospective career opportunities, but instills a drive to work hard (why?). After receiving my undergraduate bachelor’s degree in Liberal arts (I don't know if you need to capitalize Liberal Arts, but if you choose to, do both words and not just one or the other) as well as my Associates degree in Physical Therapist Assistant (PTA), I dutifully continued my studies in physical therapy (PT). I gained immeasurable knowledge working full time in an outpatient PT facility while cross-referencing my PT school prerequisite coursework. My exposure to new cases my led me to re-consider my future as I became interested in a broader field of practice (I don't understand what these past 2 sentences said at all. Get to the point. Don't take 2 sentences to say something that could be conveyed in 5 words). While working in close proximity with physician assistants (PAs), I was consistently impressed with their knowledge and ability to work both autonomously and in close collaboration with the physicians (passive; change to active voice). They had earned their patients' respect as well as mine.  As honorable and worthy as the PT field is, I know my skills will be better applied when I can be an integral part of the diagnosis as well as the treatment of my patients.

 

 Since shifting my focus to PA, I have used this time to improve my transcript (improving your transcript? as in taking other courses to widen the scope of your knowledge? or improve your GPA?) by completing the prerequisite courses that my Bachelor’s degree did not require. The journey to get to this point in the application process has been trying; I have picked up a second job on weekends to pay for the perquisite classes, GREs and application fees and sacrificed my free time to take evening classes.

 

My rural Pennsylvania roots have taught me hard work, perseverance and how to make someone feel at home (this doesn't read well; make it consistent: working hard, persevering, and making...). Without these traits, I would not have been able to help my stroke patient. Time after time this patient tried to (literally tried to? or was it she simply refused time and again?) she refuse physical therapy. One day while persuading her to participate I noticed she was trying to get her hair out of her eyes and saw my chance to make her feel more at home. I offered to help her with her hair and she hesitantly agreed. In order to keep her hair out of her face, I put it in an unfashionable high ponytail. She laughed after at my feeble attempt, which was a tremendous improvement from her previously depressed state. After that day, she no longer refused physical therapy and began to make steady progress.

 

“You’re right, I can do this. Tell me how.” We conquered those stairs one at a time. This once bedridden woman sat in her wheelchair and gazed up in awe at what she had just accomplished. This feat had brought tears of joy to her eyes. Helping patients in these situations has been an incredible and rewarding experience. Throughout my career as a PTA I have felt the limitations of my practice. I cannot help but to think of how much more my skills could benefit patients as a PA.  I want to be able to examine  patients, prescribe medications and order specialized testing as necessary,  just to name a few of the possibilities.  While conquering the stairs for the first time is a significant achievement, I know there is more that I am capable of to help patients.

 

So, my notes/thoughts are in blue, some changes are in bold. Overall, it left me underwhelmed. I didn't get a good sense of who you are, what your personality is, and what makes you stand out from the thousands of others applying to the same program. It's a decent anecdote, but then it feels like you just throw in the taking classes and working in an attempt to show that you can work hard. That is a pointless angle to take - considering that the average age of PA students are 25 (and it goes down to 22 but all the way up to 50+), I wouldn't necessarily brag that you sacrificed your evening free time to take classes - a lot of your fellow applicants have done that as well, and probably while also taking care of children, struggling through a divorce, caring for a dying parent, and managing to volunteer to teach Sunday school for little kids with no arms. 

 

You gotta sell it! Show who you are and show why you'd be an asset to a PA program. Don't just rattle off that PAs have atonomy but work together; say it in a way that shows it is personal and meaningful to you. Show, don't tell. Instead of saying "they had earned their patients' respect" show me what that means. Did the PA win over a skeptical patient, finally convincing him to quit smoking? Why are you impressed with the PA's knowledge? Did he seem to know about everything from allergies to rare autoimmune disorders, only consulting with a physician to confirm his hunch? 

 

Show show show. Don't tell. These admissions committees already know what a PA does. They do not need a text book regurgitation of what the profession is; what they are looking for is why it's significant and meaningful to you.