My dad died...revised from original. Please comment, no matter how harsh!

[nguim21]

Exhausted, I looked up to see the 17^th mile marker of the Twin Cities Marathon.  I could barely place one foot in front of the other, let alone pick up the pace as I could tell I was slowing down.  I rounded the corner to cross over the Mississippi River and thought “There’s no way I can keep running up this hill to get over the bridge….I’ve got to stop.”  My legs felt like I had 20 pound weights on them and I began to sink my chin down into my chest.  At that moment, I caught a glimpse of my dad’s smile on a picture I had pinned to my Leukemia and Lymphoma Society Team in Training jersey.  Tears rolled down my face as I came to realize how much I had grown emotionally in the past 10 years to get to this place.

 

Ten years prior, I experienced death for the first time: I walked into the hospital room and immediately ran over to the bed.  I placed my warm hand on his cold, clammy hand.  I just squeezed.  I then laid my head on his chest and looked up at the machines.  They were no longer beeping and flashing; they were silent.  The room was deafeningly quiet as I pressed my face into his chest hoping, praying and wishing I would hear something…anything.  It was then that I knew he was gone.  The Leukemia had finally won.   

 

            As I pushed myself to run faster and keep my head up, I clutched the picture of my dad and reminisced about the care he received and the ups and downs we as a family experienced during his treatment.  What struck me and continues to resonate in my mind is the personalized, caring and straightforward care he received during treatment by the nurses and by his physician, Dr. Bender.    She would eagerly walk into the room with a smile on her face and a gentle look in her eyes, no matter what the news was that she had to share.  She always took into account activities of my siblings and me and excitedly asked us how our swim meets or hockey games went.  She was a rock-solid foundation for my family throughout the time my dad spent in the hospital.  The compassion she had for her patients was undeniable and the empathy she expressed made the days better.  What kept me running further and further up Summit Avenue in St. Paul, MN that day was the nostalgic memories of the exceptional care I was able to witness.  As I crossed the finish line, I was overcome with relief and gratitude that I was able to come full-circle ten years after losing my dad to Leukemia to now raising over $5,000 for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society as I completed the Twin Cities Marathon in his memory. 

 

            Two years after running the marathon, I started my career as a pharmaceutical sales representative.  For 8 years, I’ve had the opportunity to see the various clinical settings that Physician Assistants, Doctors and Nurse Practitioners work in.  I have been able to work closely with providers to give patients the best care possible and have been privileged to assist in adjusting treatments and suggesting alternatives to help patients reach the best clinical outcomes for their specific disease.   

 

During my tenure as a representative, I have been blessed to shadow multiple providers.  The most memorable was shadowing Jennifer Dwyer, a Physician Assistant who allowed me to accompany her in the rural health clinic she serves in.  It was then that I witnessed her exceptional care which reminded me of the care my dad received by Dr. Bender in the hospital. 

 

One particular patient she was seeing was there as a follow up to a recent hospital stay.  The patient was a young woman who had struggled for years with multiple psychiatric conditions and was recently hospitalized as a result of her struggles.  From the moment we walked into the room, to the moment we de-briefed about the patient, I saw that Jennifer truly cared about the woman.  She was compassionate and understanding.  Despite her jam-packed clinical schedule, Jennifer took the time to carefully address the patient’s fears and concerns about being admitted to an in-patient treatment center.  She also made sure the patient had support outside of the medical field so she could make the most out of helping herself get healthy again.  As Jennifer walked out of the room, I was astonished that despite the current pressures on providers to perform and see as many patients as possible, she was able to give her patient the care that my dad’s providers gave him. 

 

The serenity and peace that can ease the mind of a patient or family in a time of difficulty is something I desire to provide.  Since my first encounter shadowing a doctor, I’ve had a yearning to get closer to direct patient care.  After witnessing Jennifer’s care practices, I want to deliver the compassionate care that Dr. Bender and Jennifer Dwyer provided.  

 

[jen0508]

The first 2 paragraphs were entirely spent talking about your father and running a marathon. Its fine if you want to mention that as your intro, but the intro should only be 1 paragraph. You could probable delete the entire 2nd paragraph. Its just filler. Also the intro of running a marathon is never tied to the conclusion. The intro should always somehow relate to the conclusion.

 

The personal statement is your one chance to talk about your health care and life experiences, and how these experiences molded you into the perfect PA candidate. You spend a lot of time talking about other providers, and not a lot of time talking about yourself.   Its great that you encountered providers that were compassionate but it seems that the entire essay is centered on that, and that isnt strong enough for a personal statement. I dont know any thing else about you or your life experiences, other than you worked as a pharm rep and shadowed a PA. Im not impressed with that.

 

its also very wordy. For example "The patient was a young woman who had struggled for years with multiple psychiatric conditions and was recently hospitalized as a result of her struggles. "  could be revised to "The patient was a recently hospitalized woman who struggled for years with multiple psychiatric conditions."  

 

"She also made sure the patient had support outside of the medical field so she could make the most out of helping herself get healthy again" could be revised to "She ensured the patient had good social support outside of the medical field to optimize her treatment."