Constructive criticism for my PS please!

[XRsizeSCI]

Hi all,

 

A little back ground. I am about to finish my B.S in Exercise Science from Bloomsburg Univ. I have a 3.51 GPA, completed a 240 hour internship as an exercise physiologist, have about 100 hours shadowing a few different PAs, and 60 hours in a cardiac rehab program. I've been president of my majors club for two years, volunteered at many 5ks, health fairs, ect. Very involved. Dean's List mutiple times, Phi Kappa Phi honor society. Transfered from a CC in which I had a 3.9 GPA and was in Phi Kappa Theta honor society.

 

Any help with my PS would be greatly appreciated! I am going to apply to a couple schools in the Phily area this year, but am expecting to work for a year or so to gain HCE.

 

At the age of fifteen years old and weighing two hundred and eighty pounds, health had to become a priority for me. I knew that it was the time to change because I knew the longer I was overweight, the harder it would be to become healthy. With the help of my brother, who was an exercise science student, I stayed disciplined and determined to lose the weight. Mountain biking, resistance training, and landscaping helped me lose most of the weight. After overcoming the obstacles of gaining weight back and platueing I persevered in losing eighty pounds over the course of three years. It was at this time that I knew I wanted to be in the health field. I wanted to help others in their paths to healthier lifestyles, and knew that a healthy diet and exercise were two key parts to each person’s path. Exercise and diet vastly improved my life, a realization that I am reminded of everyday.

 

 Throughout my weight loss years I continued to be homeschooled by my mother. Unfortunately, many difficulties came as a homeschooled teenager with separated parents. My mother, who was devastated by the divorce, let my educational curriculum fall behind. During this time, I started to work as a landscaper and excelled at my job, all while I tried to avoid my ever increasing educational deficit. Eventually, my motivation to learn had ceased and I had to delay my high school graduation a year. My academic ability in all classes including mathematics, history, and English had suffered to a great extent by that time. After graduation, I had no academic confidence. I continued to work while I waited for my first semester at community college to start. It was at this time that I realized I had the complete responsibility as an adult to take control of my education, and that I needed to do what was required to reach my potential. I had to complete three developmental classes in mathematics and English when I first attended the community college due to my low grades on placement exams. After working hard in those classes and others, I knew I had the work ethic and determination within me that was needed to succeed. From the first semester on, I excelled in all my classes and gained the academic confidence that I never had. Failure was not an option, I had let my high school education slip by and I was not going to let my college career be anything less than a success. It was by God’s grace that I was lucky enough to have the opportunity of a higher education.

 

After three semesters at the community college, I transferred to a university where I entered the exercise science department. I took advantage of the different opportunities available to get involved in extra-curricular activities. I devoted my extra time to volunteering for club activities and research studies. I became very involved in the Exercise Science Club. Through being the president of the club for two years, I volunteered at numerous 5k runs and health fairs. In addition to my co-curricular activities, one of my courses on special populations became of great interest to me. The major metabolic, cardiovascular, and respiratory diseases were topics, along with common cardiovascular medications and case studies. My love for that class helped me to prepare for my internship, which connected my academic knowledge with real people.

 

My experience in the health field reinforced why I want to be part of it. I enjoyed working and communicating with patients in all environments, including in the outpatient physical therapy clinic, adult fitness and cardiac rehabilitation program, or the sports medicine clinic. The outpatient Phoenix Rehabilitation clinic is where I completed my internship as an exercise physiologist. I interacted with patients at a non-stop rate while guiding them through each of their rehabilitation programs. Many individuals were there for post-operative knee, shoulder, and spine rehabilitation programs. Additionally, gait and balance issues from the geriatric population were common. I found that the patient-provider relationship is vital in helping the patient recover from their injuries.  Patient care was my number one priority and it was shown through both empathy and knowledge of the injury and treatment. The greatest reward was to see a patient I helped be discharged because of their complete recovery.

 

Orthopedics has been one of my interests. Due to this, I shadowed at a large sports medicine clinic which allowed for observation of many different types of musculoskeletal injuries and the surgical intervention that was needed. Through shadowing several different physician assistants, I knew that this life is the one I wanted to work towards. I believe with my whole heart that the level of autonomy and knowledge base that a physician assistant has is right for me. When a complicated case comes in, the ability to collaborate with the supervising physician and put two minds together for the care of one individual makes this profession one of the most rewarding.

 

[XRsizeSCI]

So, my personal statement is really that bad eh? :) My wife said she wasn't sure in which direction I was taking it, whether I should concentrate only on losing weight or past academic deficits. I believe that it's important to mention both because they are both very large obstacles that I have had to personally overcome. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

 

And since I am new to the forum. If I am doing something incorrect, please let me know! I am happy to abide by the rules.

[PAruby]

Hey, 

 

 

Thought I'd offer some suggestions. I think your narrative is overall really good and reflects you as a person as well as your story of how you got to where you are now - applying to PA school. I just have a few tips. Keep in mind, I am just one person, with just one opinion, and hopefully others will help you as well. If something doesn't sound good or right to you - stay true to yourself first!

 

 

 

After three semesters at the community college, I transferred to a university where I entered the exercise science department. I took advantage of the different opportunities available to get involved in extra-curricular activities. I devoted my extra time to volunteering for club activities and research studies. I became very involved in the Exercise Science Club. Through being the president of the club for two years, I volunteered at numerous 5k runs and health fairs. In addition to my co-curricular activities, one of my courses on special populations became of great interest to me.  >>>>>The major metabolic, cardiovascular, and respiratory diseases were topics, along with common cardiovascular medications and case studies.<<<< My love for that class helped me to prepare for my internship, which connected my academic knowledge with real people.

 

 This sentence is distracting to me. I had to read it a few times to understand what you were saying, not sure why. My suggestion here would be to reorganize the sentence and say something like "The class discussed major metabolic, cardiovascular, and respiratory diseases along with common cardiovascular medications and case studies".... for me that just ties it to the previous sentence better. Then, if character count allows, tie it to the next by saying that you were fascinated by the topics, excited to go to class, found a love for human physiology - something so we're not just saying "ok, so what? you took this class, it taught these things, and then suddenly you're in love with the class and moving on to internship"... As it is, it doesn't sound bad, and I think your point is made... so just some constructive tips if space & characters allow :)

 

 

 

My experience in the health field reinforced why I want to be part of it. I enjoyed working and communicating with patients in all environments, including in the outpatient physical therapy clinic, adult fitness and cardiac rehabilitation program, or the sports medicine clinic. The outpatient Phoenix Rehabilitation clinic is where I completed my internship as an exercise physiologist. I interacted with patients at a non-stop rate while guiding them through each of their rehabilitation programs. Many individuals were there for post-operative knee, shoulder, and spine rehabilitation programs. Additionally, gait and balance issues from the geriatric population were common. I found that the patient-provider relationship this should say "WAS" vital vital in helping the patient recover from their injuries.  Patient care was my number one priority and it was shown through both empathy and knowledge of the injury and treatment. The greatest reward was to see a patient I helped be discharged because of their complete recovery.

 

This paragraph has a lot of information that doesn't necessarily contribute to how you are a better candidate than others, or how you became you as a person. Not that your experience doesn't shape that, I personally just don't see how you tie these things to who you are or even what you think is relevant that admissions know about you... It doesn't matter to them where you did your internship- only that you did it and that it helped you confirm and develop your passion for medicine. The types of injuries you saw are also not really relevant, nor the gait issues, etc. The last sentence is probably the most effective in the paragraph. Since your space is limited, you want to make it count. I think you could summarize this paragraph into two or three powerful and contributory sentences. Something like :

"My experience in the health field reinforced why I want to be part of it. I enjoyed working and communicating with patients in all environments, including in the outpatient physical therapy clinic, adult fitness and cardiac rehabilitation program, and the sports medicine clinic and interacting with patients non-stop while guiding them through rehabilitation. I found the patient-provider relationship and showing empathy and competence were vital to helping patients recover from their injuries. I learned that the greatest reward was to see a patient I had helped be discharged with a complete recovery"

 

Obviously I don't want to put words in your mouth, but as a reader these are the things from that paragraph that stick out and help define you. 

 

 

Orthopedics has been one of my interests. Due to this, I shadowed at a large sports medicine clinic which allowed for observation of many different types of musculoskeletal injuries and the surgical intervention that was needed. Through shadowing several different physician assistants, I knew that this life is the one I wanted to work towards. I believe with my whole heart that the level of autonomy and knowledge base that a physician assistant has is right for me. When a complicated case comes in, the ability to collaborate with the supervising physician and put two minds together for the care of one individual makes this profession one of the most rewarding.

 

This sorta goes along with the previous paragraph. Save space and combine thoughts to connect them "In following my orthopedic interest, I shadowed several physician assistants. I knew this was what I wanted to work toward.... " 

 

Then use the characters you've saved in revising these paragraphs to discuss: 

- why did you know it was what you wanted

- what is your understanding of the autonomy and knowledge base that is "right for you"

 

As for the last sentence, keep in mind that many PAs work very independently, without ever having daily interaction with their "supervising physician". Many PAs see those complicated patients on their own, and you don't want to come off like you think that a PA is a scapegoat route... not that you do come off that way, but you just don't want anyone to misinterpret your point. I think you need a stronger conclusion than "and in the worst case scenario, I always have help to figure things out" if that makes sense. You want the last thing someone reads about you to reflect your capability, your growth, your maturity, competence, independence, and eagerness to be a PA. 

 

 

Hope this feedback is helpful, and good luck this application cycle!

[jtracy]

I have read through a bunch and yours actually sounded original.  You sound like a leader and someone who overcame your initial shortcomings.  It make me want to meet you.  So I hope an admissions committee will too. 

[XRsizeSCI]

Thank you for the comments! They certainly helped and when I read them I could see what you meant!

 

Here is a new draft, unfortunately I have been in finals so I am trying to work on it in between.

 

Thanks!!!!!

 

At the age of fifteen years old and weighing two hundred and eighty pounds, health had to become a priority for me. I knew that it was the time to change because I knew the longer I was overweight, the harder it would be to become healthy. With the help of my brother, who was an exercise science student, I stayed disciplined and determined to lose the weight. Mountain biking, resistance training, and landscaping helped me lose most of the weight. After overcoming the obstacles of gaining weight back and platueing, I persevered in losing eighty pounds over the course of three years. It was at this time that I knew I wanted to be in the health field. I wanted to help others in their paths to healthier lifestyles, and knew that a healthy diet and exercise were two key parts to each person’s path. Exercise and diet vastly improved my life; a realization that I am reminded of everyday.

 Throughout my weight loss years I continued to be homeschooled by my mother. Unfortunately, many difficulties came as a homeschooled teenager with separated parents. My mother, who was devastated by the divorce, let my educational curriculum fall behind. During this time, I started to work as a landscaper and excelled at my job, all while I tried to avoid my ever increasing educational deficit. Eventually, my motivation to learn had ceased and I had to delay my high school graduation a year. My academic ability in all classes, including mathematics, history, and English, had suffered to a great extent by that time. After graduation, I had no academic confidence. I continued to work while I waited for my first semester at a community college to start. It was at this time that I realized I had the complete responsibility as an adult to take control of my education, and that I needed to do what was required to reach my potential. I had to complete three developmental classes in mathematics and English when I first attended the community college due to my low grades on placement exams. After working hard in those classes and others, I knew I had the work ethic and determination within me that was needed to succeed. From the first semester on, I excelled in all my classes and gained the academic confidence that I never had. I had let my high school education slip by and I was not going to let my college career be anything less than a success.

After three semesters at the community college, I transferred to a university where I entered the exercise science department. I took advantage of the different opportunities available to me to get involved in extra-curricular activities. I became very involved in the Exercise Science Club. Through being the president of the Exercise Science club for two years, I felt rewarded by the numerous 5k runs and health fairs that I volunteered at. From taking blood pressures and body compositions, to handing water out to runners, I supported the importance of good health.  In addition to my extra-curricular activities, I found passion for my classes that involved human physiology and pathologies.  Many of the basic science, as well as exercise science courses included pathologies. They were extremely interesting and taught me the basics that I will use day in and day out as a physician assistant.  

My experience in the health field reinforced why I want to be part of it. I enjoyed working and communicating with patients in all environments, including in the outpatient physical therapy clinic, adult fitness and cardiac rehabilitation program, or the sports medicine clinic. As I interacted with patients non-stop while guiding them through each of their rehabilitation programs I found great joy in providing the assistance that they needed to continue to get better. I learned that the patient-provider relationship is vital in helping the patient recover from their injuries and that care can be shown through empathy and ability. Finally, I learned that the greatest reward was to see a patient that I provided care for be discharged with a complete recovery.

In following my interest in orthopedics, I shadowed several physician assistants within the orthopedic specialty. As I shadowed, I knew this is what I wanted to work towards. I saw physician assistants work autonomously without a present supervising physician, as well as physician assistants that work very closely with their supervising physician.  The different levels of autonomy that a physician assistant has are right for me. This is because I can be a leader when called upon, I can make those decisions that are difficult to make when needed. At the same time, I love helping and working with people, and working very closely with a physician will be just as rewarding when it comes down to making the right choice for the patient’s health. The ranges of abilities that this profession contains makes it the most rewarding one and therefore the one that I am willing to work towards, as well as work to make it a better profession once I am there.