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Hello!  I'm looking for advice on how to strengthen my personal narrative.  I've always considered myself somewhat of a weak writer and I'm honestly not sure what to write about.  A little about myself: I'm 30, married, I have a 6 year old son, finishing up my BA in Natural Sciences/Mathematics, working as a CNA in oncology at a local hospital....

 

Any suggestions on how to spiffy this up?  Thanks!

 

 

I wasn’t the most studious high school student.  I had terrible grades.  It isn’t that I wasn’t capable, but I had lost interest.  I did very well up until high school but for some reason I began to lose enthusiasm for learning.  I didn’t see the importance of a good education.  I eventually graduated and went on to receive my associate’s degree in Information and Network Technology.  I still felt that something was missing.  There was a certain curiosity that I had growing up but lost touch with as I got older.

 

It wasn’t until I struggled with my own health that I became inspired to learn again, not only about human physiology but about the world around me.  I was 24 years old and obese.  I had high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and couldn’t spend much time on my feet without getting out of breath.  I was depressed and I isolated myself from my friends, family, and my wife.  My wife and I began talking about having children and I was scared at the idea of not being healthy enough to keep up with them.  I also wanted to set a good example.  I started reading books by various nutritionists and dieticians and signed up for classes at a local group workout gym.  I was afraid of what the other people in the gym would think of me, but I was more afraid of what would happen if I didn’t begin to take control of my health.  In about a year and a half, I lost over 100 pounds, reduced my blood pressure and my blood cholesterol levels.  I had even gotten to a point to where my doctor and I felt that I no longer needed medication.  I felt like I was on top of the world.

 

This experience inspired me to go back to school for a health related career.  Soon after looking into various career paths, a friend of mine told me about physician assistants and how one helped him take control of his health.  I knew that I wanted to help empower others to take control of their own health.  I was fascinated by human physiology.  I began taking science and math courses and realized early on that I did well in these subjects.  Volunteering in the hospital solidified my desire to be in medicine by giving me the opportunity to interact with patients and connect on a personal level.

 

For me, medicine is a perfect blend of two important things that I value and that inspire me on a daily basis: science and compassion.  As a physician assistant, I would get the best of both worlds.  I would get to continually learn new things while caring for those who are often at a vulnerable time in life.  While my interest lies mainly in primary care, I am someone who is interested in all aspects of medicine and being a physician assistant gives me the flexibility to work in other specialties.  I value independence and autonomy, but I also like the idea of not necessarily being the final answer.  The inherent collaborative nature of being a physician assistant affords me the opportunity to work with physicians to come up with a plan that works best for the patient.

 

In addition to my healthcare experience, I worked in IT for several years and I believe this experience will make me a better physician assistant.  Humans are immensely more complex than computers, but my experience troubleshooting and solving complex network and computer issues gives me the tools to be able to think critically and analytically as is needed in a physician assistant.  As a physician assistant my enthusiasm for medicine would be apparent in the work that I do.  I know that I would care for my patients in a way that we all deserve to be treated; with respect, dignity, and compassion.  I sincerely want to thank you for your time and consideration.

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Hi,

 

I'm no professional writer or anything, but I do think you have a solid personal statement there. You're story is similar to mine in which my obesity and weight loss created a deep passion inside of me for health care.

 

One grammatical error I see, "analytically as is needed in a physician assistant. " I am assuming it should be, " as is needed as a physician assistant."

 

What do you think about speaking upon your volunteering or CNA job a bit more? Stating any specific healthcare situations you've been in.

 

Looks good though, I think.

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Thanks for the feedback!  To be honest, I don't have a lot of HCE yet which is why I didn't include talking about any situations I've been in.  I may update it later, but for now I thought talking about my experience with my own health issues would be stronger.  As far as the grammatical error, I think I'm just going to leave the last part out and word it "...my experience troubleshooting and solving complex network and computer issues gives me the tools to be able to think critically and analytically."

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  • 4 weeks later...

Aperry, I read your essay and I think it sounds good.  However, there are a few things I would change and improve. First, I think your essay would sound better if you left the first paragraph out.  Your second paragraph makes for a stronger introduction in my opinion. 

 

*Being 24 years old and obese inspired me to learn about human physiology and about the world around me (although this may be too general)* then continue on with the rest here...

 

One more thing, like it has already been suggested, you *need* to include anecdotes from your volunteer and overall health care experience.  In your essay you mention both that you volunteer and that you have health care experience, you have to expand on that.  A lot of the PA programs (most, actually) require that you have HCE, that is because it plays a huge role in the selection process. I understand that you don't have a lot of HCE, but use whatever you can to include it in your essay.  You work as a CNA in oncology talk about the personal care and attention that each patient requires or about the importance of compassion and care in times of pain and discomfort and how being a PA would not only expand your scope of practice but allow you to continue delivering quality health care. 

 

Further, if you haven't done so already, I would suggest shadowing a PA.  This will expose you a first- hand to the role of a PA and allow you to include how you were able to observe their autonomy, depth of knowledge,  compassion, etc. 

 

 I am simply *suggesting* ways to improve your essay.  It has already been said and I agree it sounds like a solid personal statement, but there's always room for improvement. 

 

Good luck!

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Okay. I hope you take my criticism in the most constructive way....

 

 I wasn’t the most studious high school student.  I had terrible grades.  It isn’t that I wasn’t capable, but I had lost interest.  I did very well up until high school but for some reason I began to lose enthusiasm for learning.  I didn’t see the importance of a good education.  I eventually graduated and went on to receive my associate’s degree in Information and Network Technology.  I still felt that something was missing.  There was a certain curiosity that I had growing up but lost touch with as I got older.

 

Let us start with the first paragraph. It is important, if you have any history of sub-par grades, to address them. I feel that you are doing yourself a disservice by starting your entire PS by first introducing yourself as a poor student. My advice is to not spend so much time dwelling on how you were a bad student in high school...it souns like you're working on your bachelor's degree so your HS grades are almost  a moot point. If you would like to mention how you've improved as a student, I would mention it briefly and consisely later in your PS. Start off with something positive for the AdComm to base their opinion off of.

Also important....your sentences in many places of your essay are short and come off as choppy. Rethink some of them maybe. They aren't grading you on style, but the more well written your PS the better.

 

It wasn’t until I struggled with my own health that I became inspired to learn again, not only about human physiology but about the world around me.  I was 24 years old and obese.  I had high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and couldn’t spend much time on my feet without getting out of breath.  I was depressed and I isolated myself from my friends, family, and my wife.  My wife and I began talking about having children and I was scared at the idea of not being healthy enough to keep up with them.  I also wanted to set a good example.  I started reading books by various nutritionists and dieticians and signed up for classes at a local group workout gym.  I was afraid of what the other people in the gym would think of me, but I was more afraid of what would happen if I didn’t begin to take control of my health.  In about a year and a half, I lost over 100 pounds, reduced my blood pressure and my blood cholesterol levels.  I had even gotten to a point to where my doctor and I felt that I no longer needed medication.  I felt like I was on top of the world.

 

I like you statement " I was 25 years old and obese." Its a very strong statement and an obvious turning point in your life mentally and professionally. I would keep this point in your essay. We are all interested and passionate about anatomy, physiology, and helping others; most people want to set a good example (perhaps tie this into setting an example for your child and for your patietnts families in the future??)...explain what makes you different from everybody else. It is obvious to the adcomm that you are interested in healthcare, physiology etc., so maybe move on to focus on your other strengths.

 

This experience inspired me to go back to school for a health related career.  Soon after looking into various career paths, a friend of mine told me about physician assistants and how one helped him take control of his health.  I knew that I wanted to help empower others to take control of their own health.  I was fascinated by human physiology.  I began taking science and math courses and realized early on that I did well in these subjects.  Volunteering in the hospital solidified my desire to be in medicine by giving me the opportunity to interact with patients and connect on a personal level.

 

The first sentence...maybe rephrase and and explain what the experience was because you have listed many up to this point...which one specifically or was it a culmination of them?

For me, medicine is a perfect blend of two important things that I value and that inspire me on a daily basis: science and compassion.  As a physician assistant, I would get the best of both worlds.  I would get to continually learn new things while caring for those who are often at a vulnerable time in life.  While my interest lies mainly in primary care, I am someone who is interested in all aspects of medicine and being a physician assistant gives me the flexibility to work in other specialties.  I value independence and autonomy, but I also like the idea of not necessarily being the final answer.  The inherent collaborative nature of being a physician assistant affords me the opportunity to work with physicians to come up with a plan that works best for the patient.

 

Differentiate yourself from other providers (RN, medic, NP, MD, DO, etc). Otherwise it sounds okay.

 

In addition to my healthcare experience, I worked in IT for several years and I believe this experience will make me a better physician assistant.  Humans are immensely more complex than computers, but my experience troubleshooting and solving complex network and computer issues gives me the tools to be able to think critically and analytically as is needed in a physician assistant.  As a physician assistant my enthusiasm for medicine would be apparent in the work that I do.  I know that I would care for my patients in a way that we all deserve to be treated; with respect, dignity, and compassion.  I sincerely want to thank you for your time and consideration.

 

At this point in your essay, a reader can be left wondering...What was his healthcare experience, again? Elaborate on this, probably earlier than your concluding paragraph. You mentioned earlier in a sentence that you volunteered at the hospital? What did you do? Did you volunteer to deliver the mail to departments or were you in the room talking with patients? Even if you just talked to them...that has relevent importance.

 

Whew, okay. I don't usually write responses to people on the forum. I just want you to have the best PS you can have. Make it your own, show them who you are.
 

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